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Fight till there is nothing to fight for

Analogy:
Person A burns the midnight candle, studies all they could, solved enough past questions as they should, attended all classes but still failed an exam.

Person B doesn’t take their studies seriously, doesn’t bother to attend class and also fails an exam.

Person A may feel more pained in the short term but is most likely to recover wholly, pick up learnings and work on doing better. Person B however will end up spending more time thinking they could have done better earlier and that is when regret comes in. The same applies to relationships. I call it the “what if” factor.

I remember reading a quote purported to be from Umar Ibn Khattab pointing to the fact that the maximum tries a person should give at anything is 3 times. Afterwards the person should let go. This is where we need to be very tactical.

When you set out to go for an individual, after your istikhaara, put your best foot forward. Don’t hold anything back. Don’t pursue people on the fences, they’ll realize it with time. It shouldn’t matter what experiences you’ve had. Just make sure that a past experience is not costing you an opportunity. Spend time to study the individual, know their interests and pursue them reasonably from all angles there are.

How many times you try depends on a number of things. When you’re already “in love” with the person you’re most likely to try for a longer period. If it’s in the early phase you’re may drop it even upon first try based on the vibes you get. But make sure that you have done all there is to do before you drop the chase. Within these three attempts, build different arsenals and approach. If a thought comes to mind to try, try it if it is permissible. Sometimes you may have to go through humiliating situations to get there, do it. You’re not being foolish, you’re only buying your peace of mind the hard way. There is a complementary side to this I will mention in the next episode in shaa Allah but in the mean time fight till there is nothing to fight for.

If after doing all of these, you still don’t get the cooperation you desire, drop the chase. Nothing will happen to you. You won’t die. You won’t lose out on anything. But let me give you two benefits you will enjoy.

1. You get proper closure. A lot of people are holding on to people today because they do not pursue closure. The mere fact that you believe there is something different you could have done will haunt you. So at some point you need to man up and tell yourself when your last try is, pursue it to the best you can. Explore all the remaining options you have listed and then let go when it doesn’t work out. You can’t coman kee yourself. Lol. When you do this you’ll get closure and you’ll enjoy point 2.

2. You become indifferent about the person. This is the key benefit for me. Because you know what you put into pursuing the person, you are very clear as to why you decided to let go. One thing I know is that, no matter what we seek we do not seek it at the expense of our happiness. These people may move on to “better” people. You may feel some chills but it wouldn’t mean a thing to you. Because after the chills, your sense of reason will remind you that there is no happiness there for you even if it should come back to you.

That way, when you pack out, you know you are done. Not upset, not mad, not wishing the persons anything bad. In fact you rather wish them well but you know for sure that YOU ARE JUST DONE!

©Ibrahim Abdul Rauf (Ari-J Tagba)

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